Over the past week or two as I’ve been brought back again and again to Part I in which I mentioned it had been a couple of years since I had written any posts, I wondered what indeed was going on that I first started a place to post and what has happened since?
As I mentioned in the earlier post, there is no orderly managing of this person. When I am gone, if someone truly desires to know my deepest places, and “who I was,” for that matter, they will need to pour over every piece of paper, sticky note, notebook, photo, every Instagram account…all 4 or so, every Facebook post and pics, the various planners I have attempted and laid aside, every book that has paper sticking out of it, every app that is intended to organize one’s self and anything that looks like there may be data on it. THAT is how someone will see all the facets of this misfit, seeking for some sort of understanding and purpose as she goes along.
And honestly, selfishly, I hope that someone will take that time because we often go through our lives not really knowing others deeply. And I don’t know why we hide these things; maybe our simple selfishness wants to have advantage by having something just for ourselves. Partly, but its also fear of rejection; people will perceive us as off our rocker, a braggart, a fake, judgmental, or whatever other junk we whisper or let Satan whisper to us. Hmmm…but sometimes its true–and we need to listen to see if God is telling us something.
But! I also know the human kind, particularly myself. Its interesting how I can look at someone’s pics and get such a sense of joy from what they are sharing and yet look at another’s pics and think “Oh my gosh, could you have any less self-esteem?” and in that moment the pity-prayer (“I need to pray for them!”) brain jumps in and feels pride in a moment of perceiving another as lesser and needing help.
Lord, help me!
Father, forgive me!
Thankfully, I’m mostly joyful being able to see what others are sharing; its the happy moments of life. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t share that I fight sin many times in a day; whether its the way I snap at my husband, or the thought that is not of God, or the doubt I have about the world, or the frustration with the work ethic in the world, etc…it goes on and on. I have to take captive my negative thoughts, ask God to forgive me for thinking as such and ask God to help me replace them with His truth.
Ok, back to my 2 years. I think I just need to make a quick list of things that have happened and see if they get anywhere further than the list. If so, I suppose I’ll try to document them here. But one day, if someone is going through my afterlife affairs, they may just get another glimpse of this puzzle, even thought the pieces surely won’t all fit. Yep, they’ll be mis-fit for sure.
- Spring 2018: The Torah class semester at Christian Life College
- Spring 2018: Shema Lenten message at Trinity
- 4/14/18: Whole Woman Conference (meet R.I., speaker…important later)
- 4/27/18: Last notebook journal until 10/15/18 (which was in another journal, in another country!)
- Summer 2018: High season in the business
- October 2018: Full time shop manager of 2 years suddenly quits without warning and won’t talk about it. Yep, that threw me for a loop and felt like a back-stab
- October 15 2018: 4.5 week journey to India and Bangladesh
- 10/23/18-end of year: Very busy working with no shop manager and busy holiday season
- January-May 2019: regular work in business without replacement staff
- January 2019: Friend Geno dies…he couldn’t wait to see Jesus!
- 2/10/19: Sharing with a friend how like a jolt in the night, Christ gave me new vision, showed me my past seven years of selfish prayers, but now gave me new vision and sweet, sweet love in a new way
- 2/13/19: Asked to speak at a Women’s Conference in the fall; certainly a result of God’s work in me that I just shared with my friend on Sunday, 2/10/18
- May 2019: start hiring staff, high season begins
- 5/6/2019: Sign up for totally unplanned Israel Trip with speaker I met at 4/17/18 women’s conference. Trip planned for March 2020
- 8/13/19: Campsite and spend time at Green Lake Conference Center writing for upcoming conference. Title: “Convicted: A Wife’s Holy Calling”
- 9/28/19: Conference, 2 sessions. Also get to hang out with T.S. and K.K talking about Jesus ❤
- 10/4/19: Bob Goff speaker session with friend M.K.–So fun!
- November 2019: Starting to hear “RETREAT” (as in ‘withdraw,’ not ‘take one.’)
- Holiday season 2019: Very busy in shop
- January-February 2020: Start listening to the word “RETREAT” and stepping away from as much social media as I can and start stepping away from obligations in the community
- March 2020: COVID virus hits and life starts shutting down
- 3/9/20: Israel trip postponed due to COVID virus
- 3/23/20: Private prayer cabin retreat booked somewhat in lieu of Israel– cancelled due to government stay orders
I said that would be a quick list, but as I got into diving into all the pieces of my misfit calendar, it took me a while. Those are the highlights and perhaps one day I’ll come back to it for expounding information. Perhaps not.
Let me follow up with noting that as I’ve gone over some of my journal notes, I’ve seen some very ugly moments and wouldn’t necessarily want them all publicized. However, through all the hard things to read, its always followed by God’s faithfulness to restore, renew, redeem. And thanks be to God, he never grows weary of doing this for me again, and again, and again to infinity. Thanks be to you, God, who knows my deepest, darkest places and brings them light.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has given you.” Romans 12:2-3
“Do not be overly righteous, and do not make yourself too wise. Why should you destroy yourself?” Ecclesiastes 7:16