Misfit Justice


These past several days have been very difficult in processing the intense anger, hatred and misunderstanding surrounding us. Does the word justice even fit in our world?

Just weeks prior, I began to take up some severe heartache with those same things happening regarding COVID-19–people bickering about masks, rights, health, scams, the President–it’s seemingly endless, and I would consider myself a person to not be fully engaged in the media; that’s just what I pick up on from shuffling through the Internet highway on the way to my business social media platforms. I cannot imagine what’s swirling in the mind of someone who’s got the news and social media tickers and notifications on for hours at a time. Pow!

Now, these past days since the death of George Floyd, a black man in Minnesota, at the hands of a white police officer, there have been many protests across the states in many major cities, calling for justice—not only Mr. Floyd’s death, but the continuing deaths and injustices that seem to come to black individuals.

On the information highway, I started to gather up tidbits of people screaming “all lives matter,” “now you’re a criminal,” “that’s not how you get heard,” to name a few. As I started to absorb these voices, I also started to again notice that sometimes they come from people who profess the name of Christ. I began to start envisioning the Wild West where people just shoot off the hip, only it has been a willy-nilly shooting of the mouth. And my guts have started to ache, and weep.

I have cried and cried and cried, praying and asking God to help me, to lead me to what He desires to come forth from me through this time.

One thing I discovered was that I was really agitated that someone who professes Christ is yet blind to the fact that continued years of oppression are likely not going to just go away. At some point, people can only take so much. As I stated to some others, I can remember some times in my life I’ve lost my head–I mean really lost it–over dumb stuff. Now take a person who who has been directly affected by years of battling in their life simply because they are black. Are you kidding me? That is losing your head material! In my “dumb stuff” over the years, I’ve punched people and walls, I’ve thrown things at people and walls, I’ve screamed horrible things at people and walls. How could I possibly pretend that someone at a breaking point should calmly accept what comes and keeps coming?

And that in no way justifies violence and looting, but there are often underlying reasons that impact outcomes. Think about the child who is constantly told s/he’s worthless, do you think that will have some outcome that won’t be ideal? Think about the person who has endured years of some sort of abuse, do you think that might cause some problems in some way? There’s simply so much we don’t understand in this life, but to come to the table and be so flippant in thinking “you shouldn’t break a window to make your point” is the end of the story–that just doesn’t rationalize in my brain. But God is faithful to teach me, yet again, to give grace and understand that although many know the words of “love God and love others,” they might not yet have penetrated our hard hearts.

Some white people continue to get offended by the term “white privilege.” If the hearer deems “white privilege” as an offensive term and shuts down their thinking, then there is so much work to do. As I’ve thought about this, I have been led to think about white privilege as compared to the sinner who gets offended when being told they are a sinner or are sinning. If their hearts are hard, there is no way they are going to hear and receive and respond to the fact that they indeed are a sinner.

Once we recognize that we are sinners, we are open to the message of the Gospel that indeed tells us our need for a savior which comes in the death, life and resurrection of Christ. Until we were able to hear our sin and know we are sinners, we could not receive our saving. We are born into sin which is already present.

Again, I think this is relatable to white privilege; those white are born into it and indeed its present. I have to recognize that I am pretty safe in most aspects of my life simply because I am white. I also have to recognize that I can easily turn my whiteness into a parade for myself, even in this. And LORD, I in no way want to be patronizing amidst the deep pains of my black Brothers and Sisters. But me, or any of us, thinking that just because we have black friends, acquaintances or family members, makes us an automatic ally or exempt from the privilege we have, we are horribly mistaken. Lord, forgive me! Lord forgive us!

So let us see that societally a person who is white will never know the pain, or be a part of violence endured by the experience of a black person. Let us recognize our white privilege that we may come to the table and be open to the message of how to be an ally in the fight for justice for black lives.

I feel I am able to write this today first because I spent the past few days praying and asking God to lead me. Secondly because I have been asking my black friends how they were doing and holding up. I asked them how I could help, how white people can help, how white Christians can help. None asked me to protest. None asked me to write a paper. None asked me to post social media messages. What they did say was “Thank you, keep doing what you are doing. Keep caring for your friends and people who hurt. Keep learning and dialoguing about ways to understand how to make your community stronger. Keep your promise to eradicate speech and injustices that negatively impact black people.”

And here’s a snippet straight from a young black woman I met today while we were waiting for our vehicles to be serviced, (which I note huge thank you to God for this divine appointment!) she said “Keep speaking up to the people that say ‘all lives matter’ because obviously all lives matter, but they are not seeing the specific plight of the black folks. Keep speaking out on social media to people that are haters, but don’t spend round and round with those who don’t hear.” (Wise!) She also shared that people spout ‘Why do we only hear about this when its white/black? You guys are always killing each other.” She said she tells her social media circles about various protests in cities where it’s black-on-black violence; noting that communities do not want to live in fear of young people shooting each other–they want to live in safe communities and go to college and live decent lives.

Friends, I’ve had some stuff purge over these past days and that again is usually when I write here. I don’t know how this blog will lay out, but I have various portions of my times in high-churning that come out in the form of poetry, writing, pictures and they are in no way all in a tidy keeping. Today I write, but I have some other things that have come out in the past few weeks that I’m waiting on direction for release. We’ll see where I’m led. Thanks be to God!

“Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments. “ Matthew 22:37-40

“Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?” Jesus asked. The man replied, “The one who showed him mercy.” Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same.” Luke 10: 36-37

“If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.” 1 John 1:8-10

“Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.” Isaiah 1:17


Party for Misfits

One week later, I’m still affected by the party I attended last week.

When we hear the word “party,” we normally think of fun times, laughter, games, lots of good food, music and general lightheartedness.

This party, however, was none of those things. This party came with an onslaught of anger, tears, heartache, headache, grumbling and, sadly, thoughts of wondering  and asking the question “Why do we even have to be on this earth?” This party — dreaded for many, all too often for many, and all too believable for many. The party I speak of is the Pity Party.

If you’ve ever attended one of these, they suck. Bottom line, no fluffy words…they just suck! Suck the life out of you, suck the joy out of the people around you, suck the truth of Christ right out of you–so much so, that you may end up in a hot mess of tears. That’s my experience anyway. If not yours, that’s great because when the Pity Party traps me in its lies, I’m dancing with it, engaging in it and quite honestly refusing to boldly say “NO!” to it. Until it gets too unbearable and I’m given just a glimmer of reason.

Its a strange thing. I don’t get invited to these parties very often, but when I find myself there, certainly, I am not wearing the crown jewels of Christ. Rather, its the filthy rags of sin.

This particular party, last week, I cannot align any specific thing or circumstance to it. And that’s how they usually come to me, seemingly out of nowhere; wreaking havoc in what I think is my usual good-natured self. It was just there and as foul words flowed from my face and frustrations were abundant, I yet didn’t recognize what was happening. At that point of the morning, I had already made my husband feel small and we had bickered about nothing (at my lead in the matter). When he asked what was up, I just unapologetically scoffed “I don’t know! I’m just cranky.”

This is where writing more than a week later shows me again and again just how deep my sin runs. And I’m still affected by it because I do hate that I hurt someone I love–especially my Father. Yes, I know He knows how horrible we are, but that doesn’t make it better in an instant. And yes, I know I am forgiven, but I do carry the heartache of my brokenness; the brokenness of each one of us. Every cell of my being is rich and laden with such foulness. Father, forgive me.

After offending the only person in my path, I got in the shower, and that’s when the tear storm started. “Poor me. Why me? Why do I have to deal with ______? Why can’t I ______? How come ______?” On and on with the pathetic questions of wondering why my soul hurts and why the earthly things popping into my questions can’t be as I see them. Doesn’t God know that I could do better kingdom work if all those blanks were as I see them? Yep….Gasp! Pretty much that’s when He bent down, soothed my mind and prompted me that I really needed more of Him right now. Gosh, he is so good! Saving me from myself. Man…I’m so undeserving but oh so thankful!

In that moment, thankfully, I saw the glimmer and trusted God. I got dressed, sat on my bed and waited. And I think that’s what we need to do more often –be quiet and wait. Me forcing myself to read the Bible for some revelation wasn’t going to happen unless God prompted me to do so. In the time on my bed, I was reminded of this book I have called “The Power of a Praying Woman” by Stormie Omartian. It had been some time since I had picked it up, but on that day. I was lead to Chapter 2 “Lord, Cleanse Me and Make My Heart Right Before You.”

This book is what I would call topical in that there are several topics covered with a few pages of thought and Scripture followed by a prayer. I find that often times I don’t pray for myself, but to give thanks to God and to pray for others. Sure, I ask for my matters of the heart, but often I’m not praying OVER myself. In this situation, as I was reading the prayer of repentance aloud, it hit me that this was like having a dear friend pray over me. I was wound so tight, that I couldn’t gain clarity in my thoughts and as my spirit heard the soothing words I was reading aloud, they washed over me and released the contempt and pity that had been having its party within me.

People who exalt Jesus drop crumbs and nuggets that sometimes I don’t even know I’ve taken in. We won’t remember all things we hear or read, but when the nuggets we are given along our journeys resurface, we’re reminded of God’s everlasting goodness.

Just like that, after reading the prayer a couple times, I was reminded of teacher John Piper once sharing about how David would talk to his soul. I remembered hearing his message and being so joyfully moved that we indeed have the Word of God, the history of God and the gift of God to help our human flesh by praising Him, by remembering his redemption again and again and by anchoring to the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God!

“…None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Romans 3:10-12

“O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good…” Psalm 136:1

“Let all that I am praise the LORD; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me.” Psalm 103:1-2

Round and Round, Where it Fits I Don’t Know

Circling, round and round is the noise of my brain. Do I move, do I not move? Do I reach out, do I not reach out? Do I gather up and recreate, do I just stay?

My prayers have been “Lord, forgive me for my selfishness, my pride, my ego, my temper, my foul temperament.” “Lord, I want more of you. I am missing you desperately. I desire your Spirit to overflow from me like it has before. I want that all the time. I hurt when I don’t feel you. Yes, I know you are there, but can’t it be abundant all the time?”

As I have written the call of my prayers above, thinking of David, the Psalmist, who has our same moanings to his Father. The times when I feel like I am so outside of myself in a supernatural joy is amazing; it’s always thanks only to our great God. The times when I feel like I’m in a desert and cannot muster up feeling anything but blah, I feel remorseful and default to thinking it’s something I’m not doing right.

And as I ponder these things, part of me not doing things right surely could come into play–I am not soaking myself in the word day and night. I am not fellowshipping with enough Godly people. I am not praying enough. I am not thanking God enough. But, I also know nothing I ever do on this earth will ever be enough. So, enough with the self-defeating lies!

However, reading Scripture points us to many places again and again in which the human goes round and round. Think about writings of King Solomon and his pursuit to seek the purpose of life. Think about the roller coaster ride of King David’s writings. And for additional stuff that will make one near crazy, throw in a couple readings of theologians and apologists’ takes on Scripture and what we are to glean from this or that. (Head blown emoji inserted here. And yes, I actually meant to type that and not insert actual emoji).

Round and round also weaves its way into my business. We’re in such a consumption culture, and instant gratification culture, an 8-second flash-in-the-pan attention span culture that I literally can tell you the negative affects that has had in my life and my mental health. I don’t think the same, I have outlets to release things that don’t necessarily need to be released, I have brain wires connected to way too many places.

Nothing is considered sacred any longer and many of the rules once considered social norms don’t necessarily seem to apply any longer. And I’ve played into that by allowing it to some degree. But dare I say that I indeed have believed the lie that my business would not sustain without it? Yes. I have.

A couple years back I was really struggling with my business feeding into consumerism. Essentially, I don’t want to kill myself, or my soul, for the sake of growing the business. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to feed into people spending money foolishly, eating improperly, making our product an idol. I’m in the sweets business, so we are a treat and we indeed are part of celebrations and events. However, my constant marketing efforts in my mind equates to the gorging pig vision screaming “more, more, MORE!!!”

Now, I’ve been told that my having that ideal is a bit extreme because what we do is just that; a treat, a happy thing for people to share. Ok, yes, but all things can come to be out of control. And I want nothing of this world to be more out of control than my desiring to draw nearer to God, for him to use me for His glory and purposes.

Now here’s where I get stuck; because of what I just said there, I would totally drop everything and go wherever the Lord says to go. And that is selfish since I have commitments here in this life–like my husband, first and foremost. When I read about Jesus telling the people “Come and follow me” and they do, I admittedly wonder if I would have then, because my mouth and brain thinks I would now. Whoa–AM I now?

But we’re told today “it doesn’t really mean that literally.” Why can’t it? I don’t know. I have to trust for now that God indeed wants me to follow him in light of my current circumstances and be the missionary in my home, to my unsaved husband. I have to trust that the Word in 1 Cor 7:16 is truth, entrusted by God to Paul to be given to believers.

As this virus continues to raise the death tolls and turn the world upside down, I remain quite calm in all of it. Now, I don’t have a family or a traditional job, so therefore am not learning a whole new schedule of how to manage everyone being home. However, even with mostly staying off social media, I still am able to see the ways people are rearranging their businesses to try to stay afloat. They are re-inventing who they are and how they operate, which under normal circumstances I would be totally intrigued by all of this, as well as doing so for our business.

However, I still have no mojo to do so. I’ve shared with my husband that I have some guilt over not trying to be proactive, like we’re just hanging out doing the same thing pretty much, just less of it. But there again is this consumerism part that does not resonate with me. I don’t want to be promoting how you can spend money with me when you are facing financial uncertainty. I don’t want to be encouraging you to go out of your home when you are facing health uncertainty and possible dangers. I don’t want to be acting like business-as-usual when I have to look at my neighboring businesses that are forced to be closed. As I wrote in a business post the other day, “Being ‘ok’ is not ‘all that’ when others around you are not.”

And this, I think, is the round and round we must endure as we live in this life. Our hearts hurt and ache for those around us and ourselves. I ache in this place; I deeply desire to be done on this earth–I can’t wait to meet Jesus! However, until our last breath, we must honor God by seeking him to strip us more and more each moment. How is my life an honor to Him? Am I seeking the things that are eternal in vision?

We are completely mis-fit for this world. But God! In all his wisdom through the life, death and resurrection of his son has granted us his hope, his peace, his love, his mercy; eternal salvation in Christ. THAT is what I need to stay round and round on…my eternal hope. Thanks be to God!

“That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.” Eccl 12:13-14

“Oh God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in your sanctuary and gazed upon your power and glory. Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I will praise you! I will praise you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy.”

“Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you?..” 1 Cor 7:16

“But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.” Eph 2:4-7

Managing a Misfit–Part II

Over the past week or two as I’ve been brought back again and again to Part I in which I mentioned it had been a couple of years since I had written any posts, I wondered what indeed was going on that I first started a place to post and what has happened since?

As I mentioned in the earlier post, there is no orderly managing of this person. When I am gone, if someone truly desires to know my deepest places, and “who I was,” for that matter, they will need to pour over every piece of paper, sticky note, notebook, photo, every Instagram account…all 4 or so, every Facebook post and pics, the various planners I have attempted and laid aside, every book that has paper sticking out of it, every app that is intended to organize one’s self and anything that looks like there may be data on it. THAT is how someone will see all the facets of this misfit, seeking for some sort of understanding and purpose as she goes along.

And honestly, selfishly, I hope that someone will take that time because we often go through our lives not really knowing others deeply. And I don’t know why we hide these things; maybe our simple selfishness wants to have advantage by having something just for ourselves. Partly, but its also fear of rejection; people will perceive us as off our rocker, a braggart, a fake, judgmental, or whatever other junk we whisper or let Satan whisper to us. Hmmm…but sometimes its true–and we need to listen to see if God is telling us something.

But! I also know the human kind, particularly myself. Its interesting how I can look at someone’s pics and get such a sense of joy from what they are sharing and yet look at another’s pics and think “Oh my gosh, could you have any less self-esteem?” and in that moment the pity-prayer (“I need to pray for them!”) brain jumps in and feels pride in a moment of perceiving another as lesser and needing help.

Lord, help me!

Father, forgive me!

Thankfully, I’m mostly joyful being able to see what others are sharing; its the happy moments of life. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t share that I fight sin many times in a day; whether its the way I snap at my husband, or the thought that is not of God, or the doubt I have about the world, or the frustration with the work ethic in the world, etc…it goes on and on. I have to take captive my negative thoughts, ask God to forgive me for thinking as such and ask God to help me replace them with His truth.

Ok, back to my 2 years. I think I just need to make a quick list of things that have happened and see if they get anywhere further than the list. If so, I suppose I’ll try to document them here. But one day, if someone is going through my afterlife affairs, they may just get another glimpse of this puzzle, even thought the pieces surely won’t all fit. Yep, they’ll be mis-fit for sure.

  • Spring 2018: The Torah class semester at Christian Life College
  • Spring 2018: Shema Lenten message at Trinity
  • 4/14/18: Whole Woman Conference (meet R.I., speaker…important later)
  • 4/27/18: Last notebook journal until 10/15/18 (which was in another journal, in another country!)
  • Summer 2018: High season in the business
  • October 2018: Full time shop manager of 2 years suddenly quits without warning and won’t talk about it. Yep, that threw me for a loop and felt like a back-stab
  • October 15 2018: 4.5 week journey to India and Bangladesh
  • 10/23/18-end of year: Very busy working with no shop manager and busy holiday season
  • January-May 2019: regular work in business without replacement staff
  • January 2019: Friend Geno dies…he couldn’t wait to see Jesus!
  • 2/10/19: Sharing with a friend how like a jolt in the night, Christ gave me new vision, showed me my past seven years of selfish prayers, but now gave me new vision and sweet, sweet love in a new way
  • 2/13/19: Asked to speak at a Women’s Conference in the fall; certainly a result of God’s work in me that I just shared with my friend on Sunday, 2/10/18
  • May 2019: start hiring staff, high season begins
  • 5/6/2019: Sign up for totally unplanned Israel Trip with speaker I met at 4/17/18 women’s conference. Trip planned for March 2020
  • 8/13/19: Campsite and spend time at Green Lake Conference Center writing for upcoming conference. Title: “Convicted: A Wife’s Holy Calling”
  • 9/28/19: Conference, 2 sessions. Also get to hang out with T.S. and K.K talking about Jesus ❤
  • 10/4/19: Bob Goff speaker session with friend M.K.–So fun!
  • November 2019: Starting to hear “RETREAT” (as in ‘withdraw,’ not ‘take one.’)
  • Holiday season 2019: Very busy in shop
  • January-February 2020: Start listening to the word “RETREAT” and stepping away from as much social media as I can and start stepping away from obligations in the community
  • March 2020: COVID virus hits and life starts shutting down
  • 3/9/20: Israel trip postponed due to COVID virus
  • 3/23/20: Private prayer cabin retreat booked somewhat in lieu of Israel– cancelled due to government stay orders

I said that would be a quick list, but as I got into diving into all the pieces of my misfit calendar, it took me a while. Those are the highlights and perhaps one day I’ll come back to it for expounding information. Perhaps not.

Let me follow up with noting that as I’ve gone over some of my journal notes, I’ve seen some very ugly moments and wouldn’t necessarily want them all publicized. However, through all the hard things to read, its always followed by God’s faithfulness to restore, renew, redeem. And thanks be to God, he never grows weary of doing this for me again, and again, and again to infinity. Thanks be to you, God, who knows my deepest, darkest places and brings them light.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself with sober judgment, according to the measure of faith God has given you.” Romans 12:2-3

“Do not be overly righteous, and do not make yourself too wise. Why should you destroy yourself?” Ecclesiastes 7:16


Misfit Helpers

Daily the world right now continues to shut down, to close, to quarantine, to social-distance; a term that was not a term just a couple short weeks ago.

We’re learning new languages, new patterns, new ways of moving, cleaning, sanitizing, and doing daily life.

And in the midst of it all, I have a wild calmness about it. I’ve tried to asses whether I am having angst or not, because our world can easily tell us we should have angst. I’ve recognized that I have a bit, but actually think that some of the anxiousness I’ve responded with is out of obligation.

Interestingly, since last November, I’ve been hearing the word “Retreat,” as in “withdraw;” not meaning “take a retreat.” With the coming of that word, I have been fully convicted that indeed it is God asking me to prepare the way for something. As I’ve shared with some of my dearest Jesus-lovers, “Lord, my palms are open, expectant and awaiting whatever may come; good or bad. I will be obedient and do as you are asking.”

As I moved into that obedience, I had a season of mourning as I faced decisions to step away from organizations within our community that are important to me. I said “no” to social functions, declined new offers to serve on Boards or committees and–even more so than normal–began to really slack on my business administration duties.

This obedience didn’t come without tears and heartache and hours of churning on what is happening–because in the midst of obedience comes doubt, questioning of self-worth and even mental stability.

Also with obedience comes the realization of the prideful person within. The person who easily dogged other people for “not caring” or for “not paying attention.” Lord, forgive me! Numerous times when I was “ON” I would get frustrated with others who weren’t on fire for a cause or their community. Now– I am “The Other.”

When January rolled around, I had stepped back from quite a bit; I made official resignations with the areas in which I was serving.

Since I didn’t have any understanding yet as to the meaning of the message “retreat,” I was thinking it was for the purpose of me to focus on our business. I had been working on assembling a team of talent to help me grow our business in certain areas and tackled those conversations and laid out a loose 2020 timeline. I was actually pretty jacked, and proud, to be so on top of things so early in the year. My natural tendency is a “last-minute-Lucy,” so to be thinking about the whole year is a pretty good leap for me.

Then it stopped. I hit a wall and nearly paralyzed, could not muster a thing to move forward. And still haven’t. Sure, I’m taking care of my day to day, but I’ve got no inclination to ready myself for the year. And as I’ve been chewing on that, I’m now finding myself totally ok that the world is on hold. I somewhat feel relief that I can easily place any guilt about not “being on fire” upon the virus.

But the flip side to the virus is how we are helping others. Are we helping others and spouting service only in crisis? Or all the time? It’s a question we each need to evaluate for ourselves. One that has led me to personally think that some of my response is being led by obligation; not really a place in which I find true freedom. There is an expectation right now that if one is not helping their neighbor or spouting ways to be the helping neighbor, that they are not loving enough, or caring enough or Christian enough. Our minds just might be mis-fit.

WOW! Sounds like what I was going through when I was “on fire” as I spoke above. Man, we are so messed up; prideful, selfish people in so many ways. Lord, forgive me.

As I continue to seek Jesus, I seem to know less and less…and less. Perhaps that’s the whole point. Day by day and sometimes even minute by minute, we continue to put to death our pride, ego, and thoughts of what we think we understand and replace those with simply viewing ourselves and others with grace and love. Perhaps they, too, are being told to retreat. Why don’t I think of that first? Lord, help me.

Other than feeling like I need to get some stuff out of my head, I’m not really sure why I’m writing this blog as I don’t really have any expectations for it. But, if I pay attention to the messages God has given me over my life, I just have to trust Him to use it for His glory if he so sees fit.

In the meantime, I’m asking God to help me ensure my service is in response to his great gift of Jesus–the redemptive gift of salvation from the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I don’t want to be the hands that serve out of guilt or obligation, but only as a response to the holy and perfect one, Christ who is in me, to the Holy Spirit who guides me and to the Father who has created and chosen me.

“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.” Gal 5:16
“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.” Gal 5:24-26

Managing a Misfit

Bottom line—you don’t.

It has been nearly two years since posting and as I was reading my past posts, I was wondering if they were going to have any relevance to me today. Also while reading, I was wondering where I was at in my life that I blurted onto a blog what needed to get out of my head.

So, I’ve spent some time thinking about what has been over the past 2 years. A lot has been—and I didn’t necessarily log any of it. Hence, another reason why I’ve been mis-fit in so many areas of my life.

You see, good managers of self are able to complete many things in a fashion that is orderly, tidily, neatly, promptly and with any other “—lys” we choose to associate with good management of life.


Those are the thoughts of the world, but surely easy to believe. I think they are lies and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more ok with the ebbs and flows of my life and timings. I don’t understand it, but I try to embrace it. Forcing what is not naturally happening is hard—it make me out of alignment, makes me stomp and kick—and sometimes even shut down.

Now is not the time to reveal what’s been happening over the past couple of years that I’ve not recorded. But, it is the time to share that today I got back on the horse by adding pictures, creating a site, writing a profile blurb, creating a new email and Instagram page for said blog.

Misfit thinking has me a little anxious in running all of that as I already run several social media platforms for business and networking. However, I’m in a season and there’s no such thing as managing a misfit. So until the mood changes or the season shifts, I’ll do whatever may strike my fancy.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1-8‬ ‭ESV‬‬


Misfit in the World

These past couple days have caused deep pondering to how I am so misfit in this world. I’ve always felt a little outside of most; I don’t mean that to be arrogant in that I am better than others or that I am more enlightened, I’ve just always been outside of what I perceive others to be. When I was in the second half of my teen years, I was often told that I was different than others, that I was deeper, that I was not like them, that I was an “old soul,” that I was wise. I didn’t really know what to do with that at such a young age. I still don’t know what to do with that at mid-age.

Life has gone on for more than a quarter of a century since then and I still find myself different than them. To me, “them” is the women who talk endlessly about things like fingernails, house decor, husband bashing, celebrity trashing, and the like. To me, “them” are the people raising children. To me, “them” are the people who desire all the latest goods that life has to offer. To me, “them” are the people whose lives revolve around sports.

As I struggle to not judge the life of others, I also feel so very disconnected because I feel that so many people around me are in a gorging stupor, myself included in some areas. Sure, that is a sweeping generalization–something I’ve been told I do, but how do I come to grips with what I believe to be most people’s realities?

Although this has caused me distress for several years, this particular post comes on as I have just had to close my business for a day due to a staffing shortage. I had to work out of town and had no one else to cover the shop. On my way back, I stopped for lunch, a place that should have taken 10 minutes took 40 minutes; they were short-staffed. As I was waiting for my food, I watched dozens of cars drive past an orange traffic cone with a hand-written note taped to it. The note said “coffee Drive-thru closed.” After lunch I walked to the coffee shop and the manager was apologizing to the Guests stating that in order to make things somewhat bearable for their Guests, they had to close the drive-thru because they had 3 people not come to work that day.

Now this is a much longer conversation, one that plays in my head over and over and over; bottom line–every single business in our area is hiring, every single business is short-staffed, we have a massive amount of unfilled jobs across our state. Businesses are managing-down their business, a sad thing for those that desire to grow business.

However, the “different” part of me that I “feel” is the pain of the gorging. Societally, many of us cannot consume fast enough. Some days it makes me sick thinking of all the massive waste, consumerism and junk we think we need. Again, there is a much, much longer conversation here, but my heart aches at what I literally “feel” happening around me.

Misfit thinking wonders “What if we realized we only needed enough for the moment?” God promises provision; I’ve been the receiver and witness to God’s constant supply–thank you, Lord! Misfit thinking wonders “If we only cared about our provisions for the moment, would we have such a labor shortage?” Misfit thinking wonders “If we realized that our purpose is to love God and to love others and that’s really what it’s all about, would we need all the stuff we think we need to make that happen?”

I’m a consumer too. I struggle with too much coffee, with too much social media, with too much food. I don’t know what the answer is. But what I do know is that this misfit still feels different in thinking these things. I want everyone around me to feel uncomfortable with what is going on in the world. I don’t want to suppress it, I want to take it on, head first–Shake it! Push it! Punch it! That’s how I feel with this misfit thinking. I think God is challenging me, forging me to question everything, stripping me of so much when I didn’t think I had much to strip (Lord, forgive me).

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” ~C.S. Lewis

“…I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls…” 1Peter 2:11-12


Misfit Sounds So Bad

To some the term “misfit” sounds so bad; a negative. I don’t really mind that I consider myself a misfit, and I actually think it’s appropriate. At some point I’ll turn it into a joyful celebration of how although misfit, I’m perfectly fit in Christ. Until then, however, I’m grappling with the sense of it all, with the purpose of it all.

I think all the time. Drives me bonkers sometimes. Not subscribing to what I’d consider diagnosable labeling, I don’t buy into the theory of naming this thinking all the time as something that is defective. I actually enjoy it if I have someone to dialogue with. But yet, I find that rather difficult. In 5 seconds if I know someone is in Christ, I can go real deep because I’m not really a fluffy talker. Being in the realm of feeling others, I easily sense uncomfortableness and therefore can fairly effortlessly make small talk.  And I love people, so I want them to be at ease. Awkwardness is high on my radar and I simply want to diffuse it when I can. However, those situations are short-lived; meeting at the grocery, passing on the sidewalk, networking, etc…

What I long for is the dialogue of big questions–pondering, seeking, asking, reviewing, challenging and yet coming away not really having answers, but to have considered how deep my pains, sins, misjudgments, anxieties and processes runs. I’m not sure a lot of people want to face that. I don’t know, but seemingly the conversation isn’t on-going. Often times its a one-and-done. Perhaps people leave me and think “oh my! She’s a bit off.” Who knows?



I’m a misfit.

Misfit: “A person whose behavior or attitude sets them apart from others in an uncomfortably conspicuous way.” “Something that does not fit or that fits badly.” These definitions from the first search on my iPhone.

Many times I’ve called myself a misfit. Not like the unruly one that runs around with black eye circles, a metal-studded leather jacket yielding a billy club smashing everything in sight. No, more like one who simply doesn’t fit into the “norms” of life.

Things like having children, being happily married, being a die-hard sports fan, working for “the man,” having a healthy extended-family life, having lots of friends; these are the norms I speak of. I don’t have these, therefore I don’t fit in.

I can’t talk to you for hours about what my kids did, how they are treating me, how they drive me bonkers–yet that I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I can’t talk to you about how my spouse adores me, drives me, encourages me and loves Christ more than he loves me. I can’t tell you the difference between field goal, a home run, a hail Mary or a love match. I can’t share with you the wonderful pictures of our family get-togethers, our happy holidays, the many social occasions in which my life-long friends took a trip to the ocean, to the mountains or simply stayed in touch all through college and many years beyond.

I am a misfit.

I don’t know why those things never took place in my life. Well, partly, I do. I think that is in part due to the need as a small person to just keep my thoughts to myself. Any idea I had was surely stupid and not worthy of wasting breath on speaking it to life. The messages learned were ones that caused internalization. The messages heard were those that laid out a life of hard work and certainly no dreaming was allowed; it never got anyone anywhere.

So here is the shell of a 46 year old person, still carrying the deep layered pain of a child. An adult without the norms that make connections happen naturally in the course of a life. Harboring bouts of tears that randomly show up; a person who seemingly seems so “norm” but is sitting at the top of the tornado, swirling round and round in the top of the funnel, waiting for the fallout. Gasping because its presence is large, the expectant drop is coming. Still misfit, trying to fit somewhere.